Things My Roommate Says

*Hot girl walks by with ugly friend*

“Damn, she looks good. Someone’s gonna’ have to jump on that grenade though.”

*Looks at me*

“If I jumped on that it’d blow me to pieces…” -JC

Many people believe that emotions are unlimited and depend on the personality of the individual.  Nah.  My theory is that happiness is finite, and we use it up as we grow older.  This explains why things become less fun as you get older and life gets more depressing.  Theoretically, we are born with enough happiness to last us our entire lives but the problem is that we use it up on stupid shit.  Allow me to explain.

When you are born, you have a completely full “happiness pool”.  The first few weeks of a new born baby’s life are scary, so no happiness is used up.  However, after a few months you begin playing with toys.  You throw a ball, it makes a sound, and you laugh.  Rinse, Repeat.  Here happiness is depleting at a rapid rate for a stupid reason.  This is the main reason you become more unhappy as you age, you use up all your happiness and fun as a kid.  This explains why a kid’s imagination is better, cardboard boxes were more fun as a kid, and things were all around better “back in the day”.  So the reason you are 35 years and your marriage is crap is because you spent all that time as a kid having to much fun.

“You sure do spend a lot of time in bed to not be a slut.” RH

“What are you going to do tonight.”

“Try to have sex with Jessi, fail miserably, then cry myself to sleep.  The usual.” RH

“Did you wake up just to bitch.” RH

“Have you ever sucked your own titty?”

J- If you don’t stop, I’m going to grab your dick and jerk it off
R- ……is that supposed to be a threat?

“The sheets are too big.”

“I don’t give you good advice so you’ll take it, I do it so you can say I was right” RH

“Damn woman, put a bra on!”

“I’m wearing one.”

“…well lose some weight.” RH