Things My Roommate Says

*Playing Left 4 Dead — Tank hits Survivor with a car*

“Man, that was a car-ismatic entrance.” – JC

“Looks like he died from car-diac arrest.” – RH

Let’s be real:

Putting more stupid things in the same room doesn’t make any of them smarter…

Let’s say, for example, that all fruit is stupid and all stupid things misbehave. We put a fruit in a room; therefore, there is something dumb in the room that does undesirable things . If we put more fruit in that same room, that does not mean that the fruit will set good examples for each other and that they will all behave. No. That’s impossible because all fruit are stupid and all stupid things misbehave. It means there are now several stupid things in the same room that are all doing undesirable things, and the amount of stupidity and undesirable behavior in the room has multiplied.

*Picks up dull machete*

-”Man, you couldn’t cut the broad side of a barn with this thing.”

-”…Why would you want to?”

-”Hmm…” -JC

“He looked me dead in the eye and shit on my dreams…” -JC

“Man, I don’t wanna’ walk all the way to (girl’s name)’s house.”

“Are you a man?”

“Yeah..”

“Tell her if she’s not coming over here, then she isn’t cumming at all.” -MT

“I like all kinds of beans. Kidney beans. Lima beans. Lesbians.” -MT

Pick up line for Asian women:

“Hey! I don’t normally like Chinese food, but you look pretty good.” – JC

-”When’s Thanksgiving, again?”

-”When are you leaving?”

-”5:30.”

-”It’s then.” -JC

*Spills tea on floor. Gets all over everything.*

“Tea, listen to reason!” -JC

-”Hey. Remember that time I called that girl a slut and her boyfriend wanted to kick my ass?”

-”No.”

-”Yeah. That’s right now…” -RH